January 2011
60 posts
That being said, I know why we don't do it that...
It’s because Putin can beat the shit out of absolutely anyone.
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I'm sure someone else has thought of this
but I think there would be some serious practical advantages to solving international conflicts by having world leaders take each other on one-on-one at fisticuffs.
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“We’re not the biggest fans of chokers. They whisper “stripper”...”
– TLo, keepers of my heart, readers of my mind.
Another good way to find out if a person is worth...
is to ask them, “Did you find the ‘Epilogue’ section at the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to be a satisfactory ending for the series?”
If their answer is yes: do not pass ‘Go,’ do not collect $200.
Do y'all go to the dentist?
Rhetorical question. Of course you go to the fucking dentist, at least until you’re too old to be covered by your parents’ dental insurance but you go anyway because they sent you a little card in the mail and you’ve never not gone and then you realize that actually you are now being billed $250 for having some guy with enormous nose hairs root around in your mouth with a sharp...
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"The Husband"
tomyhusband:
I will not call you my “hubby” or “the boy” or anything else that evokes the tone of a mid-level Wordpress-hosted mommy blog from 2004. Aloud or in writing.
drinkyourjuice:
Keri Hilson — Pretty Girl Rock...
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Sometimes I think that I have
grown up a lot and my palette has somehow matured and developed over the years but then out of the blue I’m hit by an extremely visceral positive reaction to sparkles and I realize, lo, I am still a middle school girl deep down inside.
Number of times per day that the phone rings at...
Multiple.
General rule
guerilladanceparty:
Just because you used a fisheye lens, it doesn’t make it okay.
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Things I Said Today
“I don’t want ten dollars to eat a slug, Dad!”
Things I have never thought upon seeing a woman in...
drinkyourjuice:
there’s someone who has their life together
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Just built a fort
BRB, gonna go drink in it.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m conceited.”
THAT BEING SAID
THIS is DEFINITELY my current jam and I don’t actually think Keri is conceited I think she is just sending out a good message to girls to fucking own their prettiness and say fuck you to anyone who tells them otherwise.
Fun fact about Adrian Chen: he went to Reed and while I don’t believe I ever met him personally he did almost hit me with his bike one time on the Blue Bridge.
I love the sound that windex makes when you rub it on a mirror with a paper towel.
Squeep squip squeep squeep squip
Also: washing with windex: an activity it is impossible to do without having your arm fat swing back and forth wildly like the arm fat of a sexagenarian grand dame Hollywood actress applauding insincerely for the young ingenue who stole the Oscar she was hoping to win for her...
Confessionz
Sometimes when I’m feeling extravagant I dry my hands with two paper towels instead of just one.
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“The main character in Mott Davidson’s novels is Goldy Schulz, a small town caterer who also solves murder mysteries in her spare time.”
A SMALL TOWN CATERER WHO ALSO SOLVES MURDER MYSTERIES IN HER SPARE TIME.
Mysteries: categorically retarded, as a genre.
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Actual titles of actual mystery novels by Diane...
Catering to Nobody
Dying for Chocolate
The Cereal Murders
The Last Suppers
Killer Pancake
The Main Corpse
The Grilling Season
Prime Cut
Tough Cookie
Sticks and Scones
Chopping Spree
Double Shot
Dark Tort
Sweet Revenge
Fatally Flaky
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“Rich plotting, vivid characterization…should make readers turn all the...”
– All of the pages. All of them.
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Me: Hey Mom, pop quiz: what is Winnie the Pooh's real name?
Mom: Winifred Pooboscus.
My friday night
a riveting combination of Top 40 and cross-stitch.
Fellows, please form an orderly line. There’s no need to push.
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I think a good way to find out a lot about a...
is to ask them if they think it would be funny to steal a street sign from High Street.
If they do think that would be funny, you have learned that they are either: a fifteen-year-old boy, or a person to whom you should probably not devote a whole lot of time and energy.
If I ever am the proprietor of a small independent...
which, God willing, will never happen, I will make absolutely sure to produce an IPA IPA, with a special discounted price if you can prove that you received a graduate or undergraduate degree in Linguistics.
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Things I did yesterday: reached out needing toothpaste and accidentally grabbed my Carmex.
Things I did not do yesterday: put Carmex on my toothbrush.
Ham
tomyhusband:
If we have ham and you leave less than three slices in the package, you should just stab me in my sleep. What am I supposed to do with less than three pieces of ham? Dry my tears?