January 2011
60 posts
December 2010
58 posts
“It seems to me that often in life, if you want something badly, you don’t get it...”
– Chris Anderson Curator, TED Conferences (via aricherconcept)
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Nothing turns a mildly annoying situation into a seriously annoying situation quite like the caterwauling vocals of Van Morrison.
I SAID IT. I WENT THERE.
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Today I was walking down the street in the rain
and a truck raced by through a puddle and sprayed water ALL OVER ME. I had to just stand there for a second and invoke the heavens and say “God, when, just at what exact moment, did I wake up to find my life turned into a low-rent version of Bridget Jones’ Diary? When? Answer me!”
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That moment when you're reading a book and you...
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Worst part about this hand injury?
Hands down (wah) the fact that I need someone to help me wash my hair. Fortunately I only need one hand to fill my face with croques monsieurs and rum eggnogs, so life is excellent.
Thing my mom said when she found out that one of...
“I knew I should have gotten more expensive ones!”
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This Christmas, my parents gave me:
a laundry hamper
jumper cables
Gotta admire that kind of practicality.
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Do you remember
when it was a thing for ‘teen stars’ to be like, “I will always regret skipping my junior prom to host Saturday Night Live. Prom is just such a quintessential teenage experience and I’m so sad that I never got to have it.”
You know who did experience the quintessential teenage experience that is junior prom? Me. And who didn’t have a date but still spent a...
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A total lunar eclipse on the winter solstice?
No wonder my dog had to go to time-out three separate times tonight.
When I was in high school
my dad and I took a roadtrip across the midwest. The entire time we were within a 200-mile radius of Chicago we listened to Jack fm, which is one of these “Eighties, Nineties, Whatever”-style radio stations. We were driving along, heading into the city, and the song “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls came on. A few minutes pass, and my dad goes: “What is this song...
I had the kind of day where you just keep thinking, “maybe you’ll feel better if you put on some mascara” before realizing that you have put on mascara, three times in fact, and there’s only so much mascara can do for a girl before she officially throws in the proverbial towel and puts on her pajamas and never ever leaves the house ever ever ever again.
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I was just looking for my phone in the bottom of...
and as I was digging around for it in the sundry shenanigree that inevitably finds its way down there and just floats around for weeks, I thought to myself (and would undoubtedly have said aloud, were I home alone), quote: “Who do I have to fucking fuck to find my fucking phone for Christ’s sakes?”
And then I thought hmm. Maybe I should try and curb the profanity just a skosh....
The first time I ever heard of Radiohead
was this one time a lot of years ago when I was watching Saturday Night Live, which I rarely ever did (or do). Kate Hudson was the host, and when it came time to introduce the musical guest she ripped off her clothes to reveal a white bikini and the words “RADIOHEAD IS HERE” painted on her bare torso and started screaming and jumping up and down.
I sat there staring at my TV with a...
I don't want to be that girl who acts like she's...
any more than I want to be that semi-washed haircut-needing college sophomore who walks around being like, “Have you heard Abbey Road? It’s so totally next level, man!” But I just discovered E.E. Cummings you guys. Holy shit.
Things I Have Done Once That I Will Never Do Again
wear zip-off pants (my mom coerced me into getting a pair to go to Australia because: camping. I carried them around unworn with the tags still on for 180 kilometers through the Australian bush before finally breaking them out for the last three days when we needed clean clothes for visiting an Aboriginal community. So I did wear them, but I permanently zipped off the bottoms and then rolled...
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My breath is always way worse
the morning after I brush my teeth than it is the morning after I don’t.
Why the fuck would that be?
Yesterday I was sitting outside eating a sandwich when a bus drove by with an ad on the side. The ad said:
GO DUCKS
DRINK PEPSI
I was like really? this is the level we’re on in the advertising world right now? Just big block letters espousing support for the hometeam followed by a literal command to buy a product? That has nothing to do with football, or sports, or universities...
What do you MEAN “fuckyeahgermanexpressionism” is not an existing tumblr? Are you fucking kidding me, world?
I have to say
I find it pretty thrilling to discover that some woman who appeared in 370 porn films (and one fictional one) also got a full ride to Rutgers, is a member of Mensa, and played piano in Carnegie Hall twice by the time she was fifteen.
Like, fuck you, society. I do what I want. And what I want is money shots.
Righteous. Inspirational. Independent womyn.
Speaking of voracious consumerism
and the entities that commonly allegorically represent it in popular culture, here’s my consumer whore moment of the day:
I was at Buffalo Exchange today with Liz and we were looking at the shoe rack. Shoe shopping at any second hand store is always pretty hit-or-miss if your feet are larger than size six and smaller than size eleven, but today I found a pair that I thought were pretty...
By the way, I didn't do that or get fired
but if I were going to, you know, commit job suicide, that’s definitely the way I would want it to go.
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Today in the store
I overheard some customers talking about how they didn’t like Christmas and they were relieved that this year they were going to celebrate it as little as possible. I was overwhelmed by the urge to whirl around, throw down the stack of children’s books I was holding, and scream “FUCK YOU IF YOU DON’T LIKE CHRISTMAS. FUCK YOU IF YOU DON’T LIKE THAT PANAMA’S AN...
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
– Steven Wright
I’m in support of fanny packs generally, but they have to be bitchin.
My dog always has really bad breath
but normally it’s just a sort of general “bad dog breath” bad dog breath. Today, however, it smells exactly like an airline ham and egg croissantwich.
I’m imagining there’s some kind of evil mastermind hiding behind a curtain somewhere, stealing into my house in the night to secretly inject my dog’s mouth with some sort of chemical concoction designed to...
“I ain’t a player, get it right: I’m in control of the game.”
– Jay-Z
telling it
like it
fucking
is
I hung up white Christmas lights all around my...
I feel like Martha fucking Stewart.
Then again, all I’ve managed to provide myself with for dinner so far is pickled beets straight out of the jar, so I guess that probably sets me back a few points on the model homemaker scale.