which you should read bearing in mind that I’ve been up for 14 hours today and at work for 12 of those and I’m also suffering from a critical lack of beers right now be right back I’m going to the store.

…

1. This is what The Great Gatsby  would be like if The Great Gatsby were also a Harry Potter movie.
2. I wonder if the first thing they’re going to show after the opening credits is a green light in the distance and have it gradually getting closer and clo-
3. Yep. They did. 
4. When you look at Leonardo DiCaprio’s face up close he looks young but from far away I don’t know what happens.
5. It probably doesn’t help that Carey Mulligan is one of those people who will perpetually look fourteen.
6. Why is there a psychiatric institution?
7. Did that happen in the book?
8. Do I have to reread the book now?
9. Do I want to reread the book now?
10. Do I have to not reread the book now in order to avoid looking like a bandwagon rereader?
11. Do I even own the book?
12. (Yes)
13. Do I even remember anything from the book?
14. Mainly the part where they buy that dog and then throw a huge party because I spent that whole segment being really worried that something bad was going to happen to the dog. 
15. Nothing bad happens to the dog.
16. I’m glad they included the dog in this movie, but I think he deserved a little more screen time. 
17. Tom Buchanon’s face looks like he had an allergic reaction to something and his eyes sort of swelled partway shut?
18. Not partway shut, more like…well, they’re just extremely small and his face is extremely big.
19. Enough talking, Nick, show me more flappers dancing to rap music.
20. In slow motion.
21. I swear I saw Carey Mulligan wobble once when she was walking around in heels. NOBODY’S PERFECT NOT EVEN THE STARS.
22. Jordan Baker looks like she could win RuPaul’s Drag Race and that is absolutely a compliment. 
23. Is this thing with Nick Carraway giving a pointless voiceover while standing in front of all those CGI windows that are getting larger and smaller to show the people inside doing weird things an inside JOKE about the time that Baz Luhrman took acid and watched Rear Window, or like, what?
24. Oh my God some of these effects are so bad.
25. People in fifty years are gonna watch this the way we watch old 1930’s monster movies where you can tell everything is a model and you can like, see the puppeteer’s hand every so often.
26. Stock footage of 1920’s New Yorkers hustling and bustling with Tobey Maguire greenscreened onto the front of it like a bad photoshop? Is this a children’s television show, Baz?
27. Lines from the book appearing across the screen as Nick supposedly “writes” them in his diary: sometimes effective, sometimes not, always might as well just spell out “THIS WAS A BOOK” “YOU ARE SMART FOR WATCHING THIS” “YOU BASICALLY JUST READ THE BOOK YOU CLEVER THING YOU” on the screen.
28. Carey Mulligan’s Daisy Buchanon was heavenly enough to make up for Tobey Maguire’s sort of dull, sloggish Nick Carraway.
29. Although wasn’t Nick Carraway supposed to be kind of a dull non-character anyway? 
30. I do have to read this fucking book again, don’t I?
31. Speaking of the book, I seriously want to know: DID OR DID NOT THIS RIDICULOUS PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL INTERPOLATED NARRATIVE FRAME STORY HAPPEN? I’m leaning towards did not. Someone chime in, please.
32. You showed the shadow of a man with a gun creeping along a wall? Is this a True Crime documentary you fucking crackhead?
33. Nice trunks, Leo.
34. I’m surprised Jay-Z didn’t actually appear in this movie in some kind of cameo. I mean, would anyone have been surprised?
35. I bet by the end of filming this Leonardo DiCaprio wanted to kill himself every time he had to say the phrase “Old sport.”
36. So, Gatsby is a Taurus, right?
37. MAN THAT WAS LONG. THAT WAS SO FREAKING LONG.
38. Damn could I go for some champagne in an oddly-shaped vintage glass right now. 

I know I got up too early today because I spent a full half a minute staring at a thing of strawberry jam and thinking “That is the grossest-looking ketchup I have ever seen.”

tardisity:

The oldest person alive was born on April 19, 1897, meaning that April 18th, 1897 was approximately the last time the Earth was inhabited by an entirely different set of people and if you don’t think that’s the realest shit ever then you can get right on outta town.

Last night I dreamed that I was walking down the sidewalk and I saw a squirrel riding a skateboard while Smash Mouth’s “All Star” played in the background.

and since I’ve been going to work around 6:30 in the morning lately, I’m usually passing by right as all the construction workers are showing up. Most are Mexican, some are not, almost all of them come to work in pickup trucks of some brand or another, none of them ever pay any attention to me. Bleary-eyed. Stomping their boots. Drinking a 7-11 coffee and trying to find a place to park. Slowly coaxing the gears to start turning for the day. 

They all wear these neon colored t-shirts—orange, salmon, greenish-yellow—I imagine to make themselves very visible to each other and also to be the cheapest uniform possible. Today as I pedaled by I glanced at one of the guys who was just getting out of his truck and read the back of his shirt:

“Such-and-Such Construction Company: We Get It Up Fast.”

And then I called in sick to work and took the rest of the day off to ponder whether the writer of that construction company tagline is the dumbest or the smartest person alive.